A brief, slightly sarcastic guide to British girl bands:
(Because when your life consists of sending out resumes and never getting called back, you need to mainline happy music.)
Girls Aloud: 5 girls and Xenomania walk into a bar… er, musical archive. Using a random number generator, a ouija board, and magic, Xenomania has collected all the best bits of all the best songs. These bits are then shaken up like lotto numbers and reassembled into genius pop songs. Sometimes these songs consist of nothing but a sequence of chorus-like bits, often they have an amazing middle eight sung by Nicola, and sometimes they change genres 3 times in a track. Occasionally they sound as if the backing track is being played inside-out or in reverse. It is very, very good.
Sugababes: They will cut you. Maybe. If there is a talented red head, you are listening to their first album. Her name is Siobhan Donaghy and she will go on to record genius solo albums that sound nothing like this. If the two original girls have been joined by a blonde, then you are listening to the best incarnation of the ‘babes. They are probably not speaking to each other, but they sing together nicely, right? The whole thing has an air of detached cool: “Oh, were we singing? I guess we were. Yeah, I guess we *are* pretty amazing.” If Mutya (she of the fingernails and regrettable makeup choices) has been replaced by a skinny, tall girl, then you are listening to the third incarnation of the ‘babes. These Sugababes want you to know that they are SEXY, okay? Most of these tracks are trying way too hard, even to the point of quoting Right Said Fred. If none of the girls involved are from the original line up, then you are listening to FAKE Sugababes. So far, this latest line up is notable for kicking out the last original member of the band, and making a bad music video (the very next day) starring Amelle’s nipple slip.
The Saturdays: Five girls with nice but not-very-distinctive voices, probably wearing 5 different colors because it is their Thing, okay? All of the songs kind of sound like something you’ve heard and liked before, but can’t quite place. Regardless, they are all very catchy cover songs (that aren’t actually covers*). *Except “Just Can’t Get Enough,” but that was for Red Nose Day, so it doesn’t count.
The Dolly Rockers: Drunk disco! Wonky pop! Possibly created by locking three girls into a padded room full of nothing but vodka, red bull, eyeliner, and hair accessories. Somehow, this formula has resulted in genius, high energy pop songs that take their samples from bizarre, obscure sources and cavort around exactly like the three drunk girls in ripped tights singing them. Pre-gig preparation seems to involve hairspray, tequila shots, and words that Brooke has made up. Prone to breaking, entering and cavorting.
Girls Can’t Catch: Notable for the video in which they play croquet in a dump. Sounds like not-very-inventive pop music.
Mini Viva: They work with Xenomania and sound like angry Chipettes. Somehow this may end up working for them.
